At Acquisio, Chuck Norris stands guard on the door of our main conference room, which explains why it’s so awesome. Out of respect we’re laying down Chuck’s rules of Internet Marketing.

  1. CTR actually means Chuck Through Rate. So click the hell out of that ad.
  2. You don’t want to win RTB auctions when Chuck is bidding. Ever heard of the word: Round-house kick?
  3. You can’t cookie Chuck Norris. Chuck is on a steady diet of cookies and WHOOP-ASS since… well… forever.
  4. Chuck Norris wrote Google’s algorithm.
  5. Chuck Norris has 100% of the share of Google, Facebook and MSN.
  6. The reason why Facebook’s IPO went so badly is because Mark Zuckerberg pissed off Chuck Norris and Chuck thought he’d piss him off too. Just say you’re sorry dude…
  7. The farm of servers that make Google Instant search through billions of results in 0.00007 seconds is powered by 3 drops of Chuck Norris’ sweat.
  8. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a marketing agency to send him a report at the end of the month… the Internet reports to him directly.
  9. You can’t retarget Chuck Norris. He’s already targeting you. All the time.
  10. Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in bid rules. He makes the only rules that count.
  11. When Chuck Norris sleeps, Bounce Rates instantly increase to 100%. Fortunately he doesn’t need to sleep
  12. Chuck Norris doesn’t use Key Performance Indicators (KPIs), his heartbeat is the only indicator of performance.
  13. Chuck Norris’ conversion rate is close to infinity minus 1, because Chuck believes in a fair market.
  14. When you click on a sponsored ad, it’s because Chuck Norris willed it.
  15. Chuck Norris’ CPA is 0. Always. ZERO.
  16. Chuck Norris believes Call tracking is a great idea. When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had 2 missed calls from Chuck Norris and then he died. True story.
  17. I dare you to put a Youtube ad on one of Chuck Norris’ videos. I dare you.
  18. Chuck Norris is the reason Facebook dropped the “The” in front of Facebook. He thought it looked stupid.
  19. Ever wondered where the Internet is? The entire Internet resides inside one of Chuck Norris’ neurons.
  20. Chuck Norris’ Quality Score is 12.